Men (written for women)
Updated: Jan 14
I want to start out by saying that this blog is written by a heterosexual woman and is from my perspective based off of my own experiences and observations from interacting with men. I invite whoever desires to read this to read it, but I just want to clarify that this advice will probably only relate to other heterosexual women.
By now y’all should already know my first piece of advice on any and every topic...Don’t stress! Tired of me saying this yet?? We’re young. The men may look good, but they usually don’t live up to the hype.
Be careful at parties. Sexual assault and rape are very real things. If you plan on being under the influence make sure you have TRUE friends around you that will watch over you, care for you, and stop situations that you wouldn’t want to happen. Women are gladly taken advantage of if the opportunity is there. Also your decision-making skills are terrible when drunk so you may think you want to do something that you actually don’t want to… this is where the good friends come in. People who only think about themselves are not good friends they are selfish. (I 100% promote self love, choosing yourself, and saying no to things you don’t want to do… but there’s a difference between self love and selfishness… if you tell your friend that you will watch over them for the night and take care of them… do that, don’t wander off and live your best life after telling your friend you were willing to take care of them for the night.) A quality friend will call you out when you are doing something wrong because they want the best for you and want to see you succeed, but they also are willing to help you if you are in need.
PLEASE, please, please look out for the people that you don’t know too. If you see a woman at a party wasted, falling over, about to walk home alone... offer them a ride, ask them if you can call someone to pick them up, or if they are here with someone else. Don’t just hope they will be okay. We need to look out for each other and if that was you you would want someone to help make sure you make it home okay.
Be careful about intentions. You may think you and bae are heading into a relationship but he might just be “kickin it”. Be clear and open about what you want and your expectations. Don’t be afraid to say how you feel; he can’t read your mind. Ask a few trusted people about the guy you’re talking to, most of the time people know someone’s history/business and what kind of man he is. (His history and past may not be indicative of who he is today.) Pay attention to actions, they always reveal who a person is… not their words. Words make you feel good and are easy to say, but don’t really mean much if not backed up by actions.
I believe emotional attachment is real. You may think you can be friends with benefits with someone… until you get attached. Everyone is different so maybe it’s just physical for you… but I’ve seen time and time and time again how emotions are involved in a sexual relationship even if people don’t want it to be. Maybe you don’t get attached but you find out he has multiple “friends” like you and you are feeling offended or upset even though y’all never agreed to exclusivity. I will always believe sex isn’t only physical, there are emotional exchanges going on too. When you form those bonds/attachments/connections, it makes it harder to leave/end the relationship.
I also want y’all to remember that with sex comes a whole bunch of other things. STD’s are a real thing. No one talks about STDs. The world gives us this view of people with STDs as something disgusting and rare, but it only takes once to get one. Some people don’t even know they have one, they are just enjoying life. Trust me… there are definitely college students with STDs – be smart. If you are going to be having sex often, that is your decision, but GO GET TESTED regularly. Pregnancy is also real, use a condom or birth control or whatever you choose unless you are ready to be a mother. Just be smart. I know a handful of people who have experienced STD and/or pregnancy scares because they weren’t careful about their decision-making.
Set the tone.
Youuuuuu, that’s right… you! You set the tone for men. They read you and behave according to what they think you’ll put up with. They can tell if you are playing games or if you serious and if they can “try” to push your standards. Set the bar high, they will meet it if they really want you.
If a guy is really interested he will respect you and honor your wishes (if they are reasonable). He will text back, communicate, call, go on dates PUBLICLY, etc. if a guy is hiding you, that’s a little suspicious – ask him why. It IS okay to be private, but it’s weird to be hidden.
~STORY TIME~ A close friend of mine sophomore year thought she was the only one talking to this guy for several months. She bought his excuses as to why they were so “private”… but it turns out he had multiple “friends” like her and a girlfriend! That’s the real reason she was kept completely hidden. After all the feelings of heartbreak, sadness, and betrayal… she realized she was super naive and could see the red flags but at the time she was blinded by the good looks and sweet talk.
You don’t have to go through this same situation. Learn from her mistakes :)
DON’T EVER PUT UP WITH BS.
You deserve to be treated WELL. Don’t put up with physical or emotional abuse. If the things he’s saying aren’t lining up with his actions, take that as a sign. It’s hard for a person to keep up with lie after lie; if he is being unfaithful you will know. You do not need him. You do not need him AND YOU DO NOT NEED HIM. There’s someone better out there that knows your worth. I promise you he ain’t the only one for you. He isn’t worth the pain, tears, embarrassment, disrespect, etc.
A man will never complete you or make you whole. Humans can’t satisfy insecurities. A lot of times women will stay with a guy because they don’t think they are functional without a boyfriend or someone to post on social media. But at the end of the day, it really isn’t fulfilling them. It may bring temporary satisfaction, but it doesn’t last. Insecurities still exist in a relationship but you’re just distracted from them. Some people also think accomplishing things will fulfill them but after that quick high you’re still looking for something else to “complete” you. You are already complete; never forget that!
A man can only add on to what you already have, not give you a sense of self worth. Try to develop a strong sense of love, value, and respect for yourself before adding another person to the equation.
Guard your heart.
Guard your heart. Guard your body. Not everyone deserves to have you. Be picky about the important things. Him being dark-skin, 8ft 10in, and having rainbow colored eyes is not important. It’s okay to have preferences but also make sure you are satisfied with who that man is on the inside. I would suggest you think about things that you value internally. The internal qualities that are most valuable to me are: him being a man of God, respectful, hardworking, trustworthy, & honest.
If you are looking for a potential spouse remember that beauty & body don’t last forever… personality, morals, & values are most important.
ALL THE SINGLE LADIES
On the other side… if you haven’t found a man that’s also ok! There’s still much more life to meet more people. Society puts so much emphasis on relationships and you think everyone has found their happily ever after, but little do you know, most of those happy Instagram couples are putting on a front for social media and may not actually be happy. If social media makes you unhappy stay off of it. Protect your joy. If you are single, find other single friends rather than feeling like you are all alone in your singleness… you are not alone!
If you do not remember anything else from this blog… please remember this: You CANNOT CHANGE A MAN. YOU CANNOT CHANGE A MAN. YOU CANNOT CHANGE A MAN!! The only thing that can change a man is a man that WANTS to be changed. He has to already want it. We sometimes want to be the heroes; show a man his potential and help him be the best him possible. That’s great, but save it for a guy that wants to be changed. Orrrrr just help him be the best him as a friend, you can still help a guy without dating him. Don’t go crazy off a man’s “potential” – what is his REALITY?
A Positive Note.
So after reading this I know you’re probably thinking “Wow she must hate all men.” This blog intentionally focused on all the negative aspects of men because I have seen many of my friends get hurt time and time again and I want to protect anyone reading this from that same hurt. Despite all the negativity, there are still so many quality men out there and great things about men. All men do NOT have the intention to play you. Men are complicated human beings just like women. They may act and think differently than you would expect so just try not to let that frustrate or annoy you. Above everything else, most people desire happiness, love, and a feeling of belonging. We all go about fulfilling those desires in different ways.
Personally, I have benefited from being friends with men because I learn and understand their actions and thoughts much more from interacting with them consistently. You can also ask them for advice on your situations with other men. Don’t believe the lie that men and women can’t be friends, I have had many successful friendships with guys. Just make it clear that y’all are just friends and be consistent about that so there is no confusion or mixed signals.
I would love to hear thoughts, feedback, and comments on everything and anything :)